if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
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Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.