“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
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a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”