I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
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[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I need better friends
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that