*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
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Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR