JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
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Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.