I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
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Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.