If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
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MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Möther may I have a snäck
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
felt that
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.