Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
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Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.