On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
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Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Dyslexics are teople poo!
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.