My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
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shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.