I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
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me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.