[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
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LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I think my mom just blocked me
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
They’re called werewolves.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.