This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
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Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
i wish we could shoplift online
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.