The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
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Pretty much. 🤣
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Well, this explains it:
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I feel seen.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember