I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
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[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.