“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
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SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”