Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
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Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit