Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
You Might Also Like
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for