If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
You Might Also Like
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
he’s sick of your bullshit today
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.