[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
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I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
I’m an avid indoorsman.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
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