No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
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I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”