Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
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Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.