“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
You Might Also Like
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*