If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
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me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.