i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
You Might Also Like
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein