Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
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ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature