I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
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I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough