Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
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Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
They’re stuck in your pants?
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same