If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
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Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Huge, if true.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
DOOO EEEET
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.