The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
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No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.