Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
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[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.