Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
You Might Also Like
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.