This gonna be me in 2 weeks
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I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
My boss called in sick of me
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing