Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
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I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
When you’re here for the treats.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
[on my way back to the posting caves]
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife