I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
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First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD