ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
You Might Also Like
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
#polloftheday
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Quadruple digit IQ
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.