The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
gentlemen, hear me out
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
wow he looks just like him
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.