The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
You Might Also Like
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive