Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
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[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
What even happened today?
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?