And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
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A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
He took my last fry, your honor
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information