Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
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Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Air pods looking like an angry frog
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.