Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
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future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
What a year we’ve had this week.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs