Childbirth is so beautiful
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But is it really??
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
How do you like your Corgi?
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr