Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
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Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”