Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
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i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.