DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
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Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]