We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
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St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No