you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
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Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist