Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
You Might Also Like
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
It’s the weekend y’all
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?