Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
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Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.